Almost There

I still haven’t heard anything about the Taiwan Scholarships yet. However, I’ve been told that, during the interviews, my students were far better prepared than other students from other schools. I noticed this myself when I showed up with my students and saw other candidates waiting in jeans, t-shirts, and, in one case, a football jersey. My students said they felt nervous but ready. The questions they had to answer were the same ones I asked them during our practice interviews. Public schools 1, private schools 0. Rock!

My TOEFL scores finally arrived. There were nine students who scored above a 500, which qualifies them for admittance to American schools and makes them eligible to receive an RMI Scholarship. Nine isn’t horrible, but I’m disappointed because most of the students who were “on the edge” ended up on the wrong side of the edge. There were about 5 in the 473-497 range. Some of them I sympathize for because they showed up to all the preparation sessions and worked hard. Some I don’t because they didn’t show up or showed up very sporadically. The student who scored a 497, which is exactly one question away from 500, showed up to about half the preparatory classes.

In about five weeks the school year will end. That means I will have been a full-time teacher/counselor for two years with one more to go. I’m not exactly sure what to make of that. What I catch myself thinking about most is that the vast majority of people who know me simply can’t relate to my experience here. In college I felt similarly because I spent over three years teaching at the same elementary/middle school. That school, the students, and the teacher became very large parts of my life but, of course, I couldn’t exactly share it with anyone at college because they just simply couldn’t relate. It made me frustrated sometimes because there was a significant part of me that I couldn’t express. Being here is similar, only much more so in scale. When I leave, no matter where I go, there won’t be anyone with whom I can properly share my experiences here. It will always be a big part of my life that won’t be able to be properly expressed. That’s disappointing.

Hmm, why don’t I discuss something different for a change. In college I stumbled upon a little paper called “Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” by Peggy McIntosh. It’s about invisible white privilege and should probably be mandatory college orientation reading (google it if you haven’t read it yet). Anyways, it’s basically a list of the advantages and mobility that certain members of American society have and, for the most part, don’t even recognize they have. As someone who wasn’t always (though sometimes I was) part of that membership, I always reconciled my underprivileged position by telling myself that I was only underprivileged in that particular context, namely America. If I went elsewhere, the tables would be turned. After almost two years here, I can safely and sadly say that, even if the tables are turned, they’re usually not turned fairly.

Even way out here (relative to the geography of where I’ve spent most my life) the invisible knapsack unquestionably exists and is still on the backs of people who are phenotypically white. They’re regarded as more capable and more physically impressive. White opinions and ideas are automatically given more credence during meetings. Marshallese girls dye their hair blonde and use skin whitening agents to crawl closer to what they (and most of the world) perceive to be the “standard” for physical attractiveness (if you don’t believe me, google what the most popular cosmetic surgeries are in East Asia… how high on the list is eye-widening?). Last year, one of my students even wrote, “I wish I were a ripelle (white person).”

This angers me for three reasons. First, it’s simply not right. Second, it’s the same crap that I had to put up with when I was growing up and I hate that my students have to put up with it too. Third, and most importantly, I thought this wouldn’t exist if I went somewhere else. But here I am, really far away, and in some ways it feels like I haven’t even taken a step out of America. Worse, after extrapolating, I had to wonder, is most of the world this way too? If I traveled to many places with a friend who was white, 99% of the time would he be treated with higher regard than I would be?

Nevertheless, I can’t just rant and claim that I have never been a beneficiary of coming from America either. It’s amazing the things people will do for me over the phone because I speak American English. I’ve been given sensitive information that I’m absolutely positive would not have been given to someone speaking Marshallese or English with a different accent. It’s also really funny when I meet the people with whom I speak over the phone. Their faces express absolute shock and horror. It’s a cross between, “That was you?? This screws up my whole understanding of the world!” and “I gave a Chinese person that information? Oh my God what have I done!”